Wednesday, 30 March 2016

10 Things I Hate About Disney's Frozen

You never think it's going to happen to you. You do everything you can to avoid it but some things have a certain inevitability that transcends circumstance or reason, and one such scourge has hit our household. 

Yes, Blake is going through a Frozen phase.

I quite liked Frozen the first time I saw it - the main character has a pretty dress, gravity defying hair and some banging vocals - but, at this point in time, I have seen it every single day for the past week. I no longer quite like Frozen. In fact, I would go so far as to say I fucking despise it. It isn't irrational hatred either; I have actual (fairly) well reasoned arguments as to why it's so bloody awful and it isn't just about the frequency with which I encounter it. Please note: if you have somehow managed to avoid this atrocity of a film but plan to inflict it upon yourself at some point despite everyone's warnings, this list contains spoilers.

10. The Trolls are not helpful.

They may have the catchiest musical number, but the Trolls are not the helpful, wizened creatures that they're made out to be. They're the ones to whom the King turns when his magical child injures his non-magical one. They are then the ones to whom the non-magical no-longer-a child turns to when her magical sister freezes her heart, but do they actually help? Erm, no. The oldest Troll makes some vague comments about fear and then later about love, but none of it seems to really mean anything, and the characters interpret them however they want anyway; a bit like horoscopes, really. In fact, if they were upfront with the King in the first place - if old dude Troll just said "Look, if Elsa gets scared, she freezes shit. If you show her the normal warmth and affection a minor should be able to expect from her family, it's all going to be fine" - then none of that Eternal Winter bullshit need ever have happened. 

9. The characters can't act.

How is that even possible? Anna and Elsa are animated, yet they somehow manage to make the cast of Hollyoaks look like worthy BAFTA contenders.

8. The songs are crap.

As Disney movies go, the songs from Frozen are pretty weak. The one about love being an open door is downright detestable. The only reason that everyone loved Let It Go so much is that Idina Menzel hits some pretty savage high notes and we all liked to pretend that we could do it too. There's something about pretending to be someone that can actually sing that feels all sorts of empowering. It's just a trick that Disney use to make us think that the songs we're singing are actually good.

7. Anna doesn't know what she wants to be.

The writers have tried to make Anna simultaneously a kooky, modern take on the Disney Princess, while maintaining that same traditional air of "I want me some Prince Charming" and it doesn't quite work. No amount of Anna's trademark awkwardness or exclamations of "Wait, what?" can make up for the fact that she's completely willing to marry a man that she's known for approximately ten minutes. She's also a pretty shit judge of character because that man later leaves her for dead.

6. The best character has no lines.

Of his own anyway, although someone else occasionally speaks for him. Yes, I'm talking about the reindeer.

5. The King and Queen are terrible parents.

Firstly: Elsa - The monarchs blame their obviously terrified young daughter for her powers and the damage that they have caused, essentially imprisoning her in her bedroom as a result. And let us not forget that this story is a fairy tale and, unless I'm mistaken, if your first born is shot out into the world bearing some kind of curse then one or both parents are usually to blame. Presumably, at some point in the Queen's pregnancy, someone stole a radish from a witch or had a goblin spin some wool into gold or something, and now they're transferring blame onto their poor, afflicted offspring.

Secondly: Anna - Poor Anna. She literally does nothing wrong and gets locked in the castle, apparently completely ignored by her entire family. She's talking to a Joan of Arc painting, for fuck's sake.

4. Elsa is horrible.

I get that Anna is the heroine. I also get that Elsa is supposed to be teetering on the edge of being a villain; that's sort of the whole point of the film, but they could have at least made her relatable .  Instead, we're supposed to get onboard with a character who has apparently never felt any love for any other human at all, or her powers would have abated, and who has designed herself an outfit that makes her look like she's wearing an ill-fitting strapless bra.

3. The ice rink at the end.

As a 'treat' for her people after accidentally subjecting them to a deep and torturous winter for a bit, Queen Elsa decides that they've had enough summer for five minutes and turns the town square into a snowing ice rink. What the actual fuck? It's like some kind of sick joke.

2. It tries to be a feminist masterpiece and fails miserably.

Ah, the big plot twist: the act of true love that unfreezes Anna's heart has nothing to do with men; it's all about the sisters love for each other. Alone, that's actually pretty cool. I like the way Disney decided to turn that old chestnut on its head - it's just a shame that it's attached to a film that is largely about the fact that women have no demonstrable control over their emotions. There is also a weird subtext that seems to suggest that Elsa is less Ice Queen and more just Frigid Spinster when Prince Hans says "Elsa was preferable, of course, but no one was getting anywhere with her". Wow.

1. I can't escape it.

I don't have to watch it. I can go and make dinner or fold washing or feed the baby and avoid the entire film altogether, and yet I still wake up with For The First Time in Forever in my head every morning. I know you're lonely, Anna, but get the fuck out of my head for one bloody day!

But he likes it, so whatever...

1 comment:

  1. Cute baby boy there. :) But interesting review. I agreed with some points.