To my Little Prince
You have several sets of grandparents, including two Grandads who love you very much. Little Prince Meaney will certainly never be short of affection nor, crucially, willing babysitters. However, there is one grandfather that you haven't met and, honestly, I doubt you ever will.
I fell out with my biological father around this time last year, and since then have done a pretty good job of pretending I'm over it. I'm not, of course; I probably never will be. And now that you've come along, I find the whole sorry mess at the forefront of my mind once again. Mostly, I feel guilty that I'm depriving you of that extra love, but part of me also feels guilty for what I've taken away from him.
|Because, let's face it, you're pretty awesome|
The problem we had was that he would never be able to understand the hurt that he'd caused me, and when I tried to explain it, I was attacked by him and his family: accused of being selfish and ungrateful. Ironic, I know. I spent an entire evening receiving message after message of abuse from his eighteen year old daughter: someone who had never accepted me but was suddenly angry that she had lost a sister. Someone who would never have to feel like I had felt.
The aftermath of my decision to cut him out of my life was far more difficult to deal with than simply not having him around, and I realise now that I'd have been better off not having tracked him down in the first place. It would have been far easier to know that you were a grandfather short as a result of his choice, rather than as a result of mine.
The truth is that he would have really loved you, and that's what I find difficult to reconcile with the situation as it is. I'm not keeping you from him because I'm worried he'll hurt you, I honestly believe he never would, it's simply because of what he did to me. I'm depriving you of a relationship with him purely because I can't bear to have one with him myself and, for that, I do feel selfish.
One day, when you're older, I'll sit with you and explain what happened, but I hope that you never really understand. As I write this, it's 5am and we're awake for a night feed. You look so content, and I pray that you will never have any experiences with which you can relate to this one; I never want you to feel the sense of abandonment and loss that you would need to understand my reasoning. Just know: the family that you have got around isn't going anywhere.